Idk

Idk what I plan to do with this blog anymore. Before, I relieved my stress of school but I don't go to school anymore so I'm depressed and with lots of anxiety. Everyday I wish I could reset my life from when I was a kid and choose another school. I think this way I could have had more friends and lived a peaceful normal life. Maybe wishing to go to Japan was a mistake? They aren't responding.... I'm stressed. I want to make new friends but I don't have anyone anymore. I don't get out often so I don't know what to do. I wonder how my family is so chill about it. The only thing I do now is watch anime. I even lost my interest in gaming somehow. I lost interest in everything I loved. That's depression right? I'm doubting if I shoul study international business. I mean I don't even look good in a suit but my mother says otherwise. I want to study a simple career and discover by myself what I want to do while I'm alive but if life had to end like that I wouldn't mind at all you know.

31/07/19

Dear Diary,

I haven't been able to write to you this year. Recently I thought about erasing all my diary entries but it is interesting to read my thoughts from the beginning of the year or last year.
Ok so update.
This year I haven't been able to watch anime. The only anime that I'm still currently watching is The Rose of Versailles. My history lover self is so impressed by this anime though I wish the anime shows more romance and the difficulty of Oscar by being a man. Nevertheless, this anime really piques your interest in the French Revolution. KILL ME NOW BCSSSS I didn't watch any jojo episode, my old self is gonna be so mad at me.

Ok, so? Good news maybe? After long thinking (2 weeks to be exact), I came to the conclusion I needed to drop school If I wanted to fulfill my dream in Japan. Hopefully this is not the wrong choice. I'm worried about my mother. My social life has crumbled since that decision, I don't go out anymore and I fear that is becoming lethal for my mental health. I need to speak to the director soon maybe in 2 days. I know the bac is useful to have a career. I will graduate later because of my decision, but... I'll be happy. I'm glad. I won't be stuck with a culture which I hate. I'll tell you more about my travel. I need to learn some coding skills to not become a burden to my mother. Meanwhile, every night I study some Japanese I even get tired of it. Those times I wonder if I made the right decision. I won't go to Europe anymore. I'm worried of my physique. If I'll be able to integrate the country. I'm so thin and tiny AND kinda black (I'm latina but with no curves). So yeah... this will be difficult.

Books? Ha ha ha.... Ok so I haven't finished A SINGLE BOOK since last year. I just start them and leave them behind. I have a new book (yeah another) called Makioka Sisters by Junichirou Tanizaki. At the beginning it was pretty boring and difficult to read but now (since page 50) it has become really interesting and you really want to know more about this family.

Going back to my social life. I think I lost contact with my best friend. That's sad but... I'm starting to think she was a little toxic, but you know? I don't have more friends. What do I do now? I'm special maybe but I can't be fully honest with someone. On good news remember Nakima? She wanted to talk with me again! I think I'm kinda cold with her, but it will be weird if I just act all happy with her. Hopefully our friendship develops she is truly a kind girl (who started dating my crush lmao) but who cares about that?

Venting out mid 2019

Dear diary,

All right so this is what happened...
Dropped out of school...
Don't believe it? Me neither. Are u ok? No, but I don't how to feel. You know? Because of this I discovered that ALL of my friends weren't really my friends... They were there just to pass the time... Now that I'm mentally sick? Wherw are they? I don't get it. I'm so confused. Everyday I feel miserable. How can I get out od this loop? Not even gaming makes me feel better. Maybe music. But after that? What shall I do. Help.

7/06/2019

Dear diary:

I've been wasting 8 hours on my mental health ugh why am I so stupid. I don't even know why I'm sad. Is this being depressed? What do I do? I don't know? Can I just throw everything away? Can I find someone who understands me? Can I find something that I like doing every single day? I don't know... I'm just tired I guess...

28/05/2019

Dear Diary:

Finally vacations! I finished FINALLY kh3 this sunday. I wanted to cry so bad over the ending but my mother was around XD.
I really wanted to be productive but... so many games to finish... so many series...
Anyways... TODAY IS PRODUCTIVE DAY. I woke up early so I will begin doing some homework.

16/05/19

Dear Diary:

Update on my life recently:

I've been thinking... I really want to become a freelancer when I grow up. Share my life with others, inspire people... that's my dream. But, don't think that I want to become like those dumb infleuncer that you find on instagram, I really want to work. I sometimes think I'm alone, I only feel I can believe on myself. Is this bad?
Sadly, If I want to move to Japan I need first have good grades and move to France. I appreciate the culture exams, I realy like them and they are a rising opportunity for me. Sorry for my babbling by the way.
*Sigh* it's way more stressing if I have good notes at first, they start to diminish... It's stressing...

Update on my books:

Recently I read Miss Peregrine's home for peculiar children: Hollow City. I'm loving this trilogy! Next is library of souls!
Sadly, I need to go to my school's library again... Meanwhile, I'm reading Sherlock Holmes, 2 chapters and I already love that man lmao.

26/04/2019

Dear Diary:

I just HAD to make an update here. Just to remember things you know? Lately I've been reading all of my entries. It's amazing how much I have forgotten. I'll tell you my summary of my 2019 until now:

Videogames?
This IS the holy year of videogames.
Kingdom Hearts III got released january 29. Nevertheless, poor me. Even if I pre-ordered it, the game arrived 2 weeks after. On january, I bought two games from the United States: Code Realize: Bouquet of Flowers and Shin Megami Tensei IV. I finally got a platinum in Code: Realize, it was so fufilling when I finished it. Nevertheless, it's been a long time since I don't play an otome game, I miss them already.
Two months ago, I bought Nier:Automata, now is one of my favorite videogames, I need a platinum here so bad. I also bought two other well-known games: The Last of Us and Devil May Cry:  HD Collection.

Books?
I read way too much. First, I asked the librarian to give me some books, the Miss Peregrine trilogy. I'm still on book 2 but I love these books.
I also bought way too many. Some of them are: Sherlock Holmes (all the main books) and 2 Agatha Christie's books.
Made some summaries of school related books (only in spanish because the books were made by hispanic authors).

Social Life?
Well... I wanted to focus on my studies and my own life so I've been straining myself from talking too much.... I don't even talk that much with my best friend anymore.

Studies?
So much stress but I'm doing alright! until now... 16...

17/04/19

Dear diary:

It's been long time isn't it?
I fear that I only come to you for telling you my problems. I use to think what my old crush was writing about in his phone. Maybe his feelings too? Ugh that was the worst episode of my life. I want to talk to someone about it. I mean I already forgot him but the consequences just drive me mad and crazy. You know my old best friend right? I dont talk with her in almost a year. Why? Why? Why? Was it my fault? Did she want to lose all contact with me? She did change... but I want to know about her life. I miss her so much and not because I like her romantically but all of those memories are engraved deep into my heart. That time when we flew together to France where very fun, we lived together for 15 days and even if had our quarrels it was fun. I want to cry. Ita been 3 months since I dont speak with her at all. She is happy. I am too but she is missing. How is my best friend dealing with it? Is she having problems? Why no one tried to unite them? Nobody know apart her that I dont speak with Nakima anymore. I keep dreaming about her. My friend sent me some photos of an anime I watched together with her. I fangirled over so many animes with her. I'm making memories with my actual best friend so why is she missing? I know a friend isn't replaceable. But she banned me from her contacts. Im sure that she doesnt want to speak to me. Why are people now so grumpy? I try to make my life better. If you are unhappy dont blame. I try not to. If I do its just a joke or a not so horrible problem. Dont tell me that my life is better than yours you chose it to be like that. I just want to be happy. Share your feelings with me you know? I try to be always shiny to give you some of my happiness. Not to make you jealous. Plz stop. Plz return. I dont like your relationship. He stole you from me. Maybe if I never fell in love with him you would still be by my side. Stupid hormones who wished for a boyfriend. Im happy but is it wrong wanting someone to tell you beautiful words? Is it wrong doing a chirurgy to look better for yourself? Tell me is it wrong?

I remember her voice. I remember her coming to my house crying and begging for forgiveness. Why couldn't we maintain the friendship. Was it all an illusion we built in a moment of treason? It wasn't. I just think he changed it all.

11/02/19

Dear Diary:

Happy new year! Sorry for the delay... Like I told you before, I was really busy this January. I even got sick. 2018 was a wonderful year. I feel more confident with myself. I discovered my hate for math thanks to the math academy (where I need to go until the 23rd...). I made new friends! They are great and crazy lol. Not everybody is like in my school. I haven't revised at all my school material. I'm gonna suffer so much later. I forgot everything about economy. Also I haven't learned much in my academy... So much to learn! I changed my plans. I won't be applying anymore to Japan because the math exam is literally impossible for me. I think I will go to Poland, a very cheap option.

Changing the topic...
Code: Realize is certainly a wonderful otome game. I only need one more route to finish it (It's not even romantic anymore but I love that game). KINGDOM HEARTS 3 FINALLY GOT RELEASED THIS JANUARY 29! Sadly, I haven't got it YET. It's finally coming to my hands tomorrow. But, I don't have space in  my hard drive... Which is why I'm playing Code: Realize like crazy...

I lost my reading habit... Maybe because of Code Realize...
Nevertheless, I think I lost some weight thanks to the summer and walking everyday to the academy...

Do yo remember Nakima? (obviously a code name) I lost all contact with her... I think I know why, it is obviously akward to keep talking... I hope she is doing well. My life has changed a lot for the better since depressful people got out of my life...

25/12/18

Dear Diary:

Merry Christmas! Wow time sure flies. I finally received Code Realize! Yas! I just played 2 routes (Saint Germain who I LOVE and Impey, I really want him as an older brother u.u), I'm trying to obtain  Victor Frankenstein route... let's see how it goes..
Today was really boring... I couldn't find any motivation to play, read, not even watching YouTube! I want to revise some school material but I just got another surgery! Yep, 2 wisdom teeth are gone! Ugh, I have kind of a double chin... I look uglier.

Well if I should tell you about my plans for 2019... I want to get a scholarship in Japan so I signed up for a math academy near me. I have to do a math test and since my school math is shit... I need to put in more effort...
I'm also studying for the IELTS hopefully I get a good score. I'm fluent in English but I'm still worried. What should i say in the interview? Hey! I wanna go to Japan because I love the language and their games! Which is true... but not a valid point... You see... If I go there my dream job would be to work in a game company. Nevertheless they want me to make the relationship between Japan and my country better. Which I can't do anything because I will not become a diplomatic. And because Peru has a horrible culture. Ugh why can't this country become like Japan?

11/12/2018

Dear Diary:

Lately I've been feeling really lonely... I'm skipping classes now because we really don't work at the end of the year... My classmates don't want to work except me... Of course I can't tell them this. I feel bad for my teachers. I can't stand some people now. This sunday I went out with my best friend and her boyfriend (yeah bad choice I know) she was just hugging him all the time but at least his boyfriend talked with me...

Ugh I have a really bad feeling that my friend who dates my ex crush will end up pregnant... (we have 17 but this is Peru not USA). Man I don't know what to do with her, she keeps talking about abortion but I'm too scared too actually ask her if she had sex with her boyfriend. Lately she's been saying things like: "I hate menstruation but this time I really want it" or "I read somewhere that pineapple causes abortion so I've been eating it non stop". Ugh...

I think my order from USA will arrive the 20th.. It's just a feeling but I don't want to wait too much.

I've been downloading games but some time later I get bored from those games or I get nauseos from looking at the screen. The only thing that doesn't make me feel that way is being on my cellphone or playing otome games....
Maybe It's the sun.

I'm feeling fat. I don't want to do sports I get too embarrassed of being so bad. I do my all but I can't. I'm not even obese to have these problems, I'm actually pretty thin. Except my belly. Ugh.

I've been wanting to continue my self studies with german but right now there is no motivation at all truly...

02/11/16

Dear diary:

Me writing back the 29 of november but lil' me forgot to publish:

I'm really looking forward to my delivery. I asked my mom to buy from the USA. Code realize is coming! Shin megami tensei IV too!
Man, I've been really mad because in school we don't do anything. We just watch movies. And then they get mad. Why do we have school if we only go to do nothing.

The 29 of november, I finished shingeki no kyojin. It's so good! I have two hours of free time in my school so I'll read there meanwhile.

Ok hello again It's me fron the present
Ok so I've been downloading and playing games like princess maker 2 refine and long live the queen. I love this game called recettear, It's an item shop game.
I finished all the games I wanted to play for the ps4 so now I'm just at the lookout for good fun games.

I want to make this blog like a journal of my achievements and thoughts that's why I need to put more effort. I mean no one put their life into a blog so why not.

26/11/2018

Dear Diary:

Damn, no I can't forget about you. I made a promise to myself to keep everything that happens in my life in here. Ok, so where do I start?

Remember my BAC exams? I really don't want to talk about them... But, I have no other choice. I'm so happy to finally end with them! My last exam was the 21. I will have no more french! No more science! So happy! So fulfilled? I think I did pretty well on them except from the oral. Where I had a text I hadn't studied well... Talk about bad luck... At least I answered the questions.... Still, I feel so mad thinking that I did worse than my classmates. I have a 15.18. 1 point less... I'm doomed. I'm kinda scared of the next year. Mostly because of physical education. I was never good. And doing it in front of others made me depressed... This was a beautiful but horrible year. I'm glad my friend is with my ex crush though... She went to his pre prom (yeah that exists....). Will I ever be able to have a boyfriend? To marry? I wonder. That thought is stuck in my 17 year old mind.

Lately, I left reading because of gaming.... I'm reading not a very interesting book... Maybe that's why. From the 21st until today I had like a long weekend... with any homework. It was so refreshing

I got a lot better at drawing also... Don't really know how. But I feel accomplished. Now that I have time, I'm trying to motivate myself to get better at Japanese. I'm stuck with B+ grades... I really want to go to Japan. I want to meet new people in my future work... but... I don't even know if I'll make it there with good grades. I wanna give my best but finding motivation is really difficult.

You know? When I was little I really wanted to become a famous gamer like Pewdiepie or IHasCupquake... But, my motion sickness is getting worse... Oh! I forgot to tell you! I now have glasses! Yep, I'm blind now lol. I need to use them permanently but I'm scared of ruining my nose. It is too heavy for me. It's difficult...

Tomorrow, I have classes, but only from 8 to 10. Wow.

OHHHHHH. SHIN MEGAMI TENSEI AND CODE REALIZE ARE COMING IN 18 DAYS. I made an online purchase so now I just have to wait. I've been waiting so long to find another good otome game like Cinderella Phenomenon... NAMELESS. God, I can't forget them. I' obsessed hearing those otome tracks lol.

31/10/2018

Dear Diary:

It's been a long time since I don't write to you on the computer. I've been "studying" for the BAC but my love for games is way more bigger lmao. Though I'm recently asking myself why I like them so much. I'm stressed. Today I have to buy something but I don't know what. I recently read Everless by Sara Holland. Now is one of my favorite books. I've been trying to read other books. Mostly those eight books I bought from my school but nothing can compare to that awesome book. I'm now officially an addict to pokemon. I learned so much. I didn't know what were IV's before and I'm surprised that many people spend thousands of hours of their lifes having the greatest pokemon. I, in other hand just want to complete the pokedex. There is this breeding process. But, I'm not able to have enough patience to capture 1 female and male pokemon to breed. The most powerful pokemon are even rare so why should I breed common pokemon like pidgey? (I hate that pokemon) Anyhow, I got a bad note again in my science exam. What is wrong with me? Everyone says is the most easier exam for the bac. Why I'm not capable of getting at least a 15? I'm sure I got an 11 or so. God I feel so embarrassed. My teacher even laughed at me the day of the first exam. What is happening to me? I know I really don't like to study but everyone sees me as intelligent when I'm not. Why do I have that image? Ugh, I hate it. I need to study A LOT for the french Bac.

On other point, I haven't been watching so many animes apart Jojo's Bizarre's adventures and a little bit of shingeki no kyojin, but I'm hearing anime music 24/7.

25/10/2018

Dear diary;

Can't believe days pass so quickly. I need to study (again) for economy tho I'm really tired. I just want to read everless or play the otome game of Office Lovers. It is really funny lol.

24/10/2018

Dear diary:

Remember that sale I told you about? Damn, I wasted a lot of money last week. Nevertheless, I bought 8 books at the price of one. Look at that. Tomorrow I have a science exam. I'm reading Everless by Sara Holland. It's great. Hopefully I can finish it today. Guess who isn't going to sleep! Oh god... I should...

19/10/2018

Dear Diary:

Today I woke up earlier than usual. I woke up at 3 am. I have lots of homework. Ups. I just stayed two hours seeing YouTube. The night is so refreshing and calm. I just want to play an otome game all of a sudden.

I already did SOME homework. I just remembered that I have an exam today. Great. I hate math recently. I'm eating my breakfast. It tastes like vomit. No, it's not poorly made. It's me with every food they give me. Tomorrow there will be a sale.

18/10/2018

I feel I'm getting worse. I remember when I started this blog I was really determined to become a better person. Sadly, lately I've been feeling low. I don't have motivation fir anything. Classes are stressful and boring. I just had a 8.5 in the bac. I'm scared of not approving the subject. I will lose my scholarship for being an idiot. I try. I don't want to do anything. I had a bad grade in japanese. Ugh. What will I do in the future? Maybe if I start a YouTube channel of gaming and stuff I may have more opprtunity of being recognized. Obviously, I won't record my voice. Being recognized by people I know will be embarrassing. They call me idiot. Of course. I have no motivation to go with them. They invited me to halloween. Why? If you don't treat me good now in school. Why would you treat me good out there? I know I always act happy... but... you think I lie. Hey blog. Lately I've been loving literature. But I suck at it. They will make fun of you if you aren't good. Hey blog. I told them I wanted to learn violin. They laughed at me. Of course. They don't think I'm capable. Why are people so annoying but so kind. You get in love with them anr they don't notice. I just want someone to hug. My best friend. I'm worried about her. I feel impotent. I want to help her. I want her to become what I can't. That happened to me with my cousin though I think he has a problem. I want to read lately. But I'm scared to think I won't understand. Why am I like this. I don't want to eat anymore. It's not delicious like before. I feel I gained fat. I don't do sports. Thanks mom. If I continued going to physical education I would had cried. I'm horrible. I'm not normal. Would I be able to graduate? Would I be able to work? Would I be able to have a family? Those are dreams. Easy for some. For me... difficult. I fear what will happen. I want to rewind.

I've been thinking. If I was reborn into someone more prettier. My life would had gone better.

"We don't do it for you, is also for seing him". Yeah I know. So if you want to go see him you. I don't want to go.

11/10/18

Dear diary:

I just woke up. It's so cold I want to vomit. I've been feeling like this since last week. My dreams are really stressful now.

10/10/18

Dear diary:

Of course we needed to lie about the reason why I was absent. Ugh. I feel so bad. I look at my notes and I want to cry. Seriously I need to be perfect. Why am I sleepy? I should read. I hate the fun they make out of me. Today I was searching for my ruler, a friend of mine said: "What are you searching for? Your brain?" Of course I had to laugh. I want to ridicule all of them. Someone had a 20 in italian. I want to crush them I never got a 20 so why? I made lots of mistakes today in my homework. A 19. Everytime. On physics? A 10/20. Hah he said. Why you make fun of me you don't know my life? I love playing videogames but I should take things more seriously. My exam is on november. It is october. Ugh. Die.