28/09/18

Dear diary:

Tried to share my thoughts and no one replies, only one. Yep they never take me seriously.

27/09/2018: Deppressive

Dear diary:

Why do I need to fuck it up? I want to come to you when I'm happy not when I'm sad I swear. Nothing is good right? I worry about you! You don't have to treat me like shit! Even tought I know you didn't like it... I DID SAY IT! I WANT YOU TO PROGRESS! WHY PEOPLE WITH DEPRESSION ARE SO DIFFICULT? WHY WHEN I'M WITH DEPRESSION NO ONE TAKES ME SERIOUSLY? I'M CRYING RIGHT NOW. I DON'T WANT TO BE SELFISH BUT I ALWAYS TALK ABOUT ME! ME! I DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET RID OF THIS HABIT... More persons start to treat me like this, I just have to swallow up what I have to say and laugh or get all the damage. I'm the punching bag. But this punching bag need to get patched up sometimes you know? MY DOG ALMOST DIED! You know why i didn't tell you anything? You know why I didn't tell you my true feelings? Because if I do you don't believe me! Never! You treat me like an idiot... I know I am I ACT like one to make you feel happy every single time. If you see me like this you don't know what to do... If other one sees me like this they just get worse and feel they should feel like that. How many times did I cry? Not as much as you. I TRY HARD to not explode. I opened thos diary to tell you everything to get better. Why is not working? Don't be like this. Your dog is dead, mine is alive I SHOULD BE HAPPY. YOU ARE INTELLIGENT EVEN IF YOU DON'T STUDY. YOU SHOULD BE HAPPY. You don't have everything like others I know. Some people have all the things you ever wanted. Some are changing. Why do people have to badmouth everyone? I DO IT. I WANTED TO DO IT JUST A SECOND AGO. I DESERVE IT RIGHT? I DESERVED BEING BORN AS AN UGLY BEAST THAT NO ONE LIKED. Everyone ignored. That everyone just didn't get close to. That innocent little ogre who was happy for the praise they gave her. The little tiny ogre who was way to timid to interfere in others happiness. That's why I learn how to be funny. I achieved my goal. Though sometimes people badmouth me. I have to keep quiet. The laughter is hurting me but you need to keep quiet. Why do words hurt people? I did it. They did it to me. I want to cut people on half. They their mouths out. Cut each finger out. I'm not a psycho. I'm not ab assassin. Those are juat thoughts. I make an effort. I had true friends. I cannot help them. Useless me. Poor me. You who don't even win money. You who can't be the one making happy someone. I had one. I fucked it up. It's just a fight right? Everything was just a dream right? My first experience having a true friend was incredible. Maybe I'm not cut for it? I exploded when I thought I lost you. I'm heteresexual though this type of love I never had it before. I just want you to talk to me. Who needs a relationship were you become obsessed with a man? Why I acted like that that one time? I'm so happy for you not envious. I was living a peaceful life though I noticed my choices were having consequences. Ugh. Why can't I stop talking? You were great before can someone help me? You acted like a friend? But... will you really become one? I don't what I say BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY SORRY. Someone? Can you hear me? I know you care about yourself. I should do it to. But, I love people way too much their happiness is my happiness. If you are suffering, I suffer too. I can't do it. I tell myself I'm selfish but I am not. I'm not. I care. That is my weakness. So many thoughts are happening. Why are you not excellent ar something? ....
Better now? You stopped crying... You poor thing you just need some love. If this helps you. I love you.

20/08/2018

Dear diary:

Wow is it really thursday already? I haven't done anything. I at least read La Controverse de Valladolid. God I hated that book for all their catholic references. Anyway, back to my life. I've been really busy. I'm still reading To all the boys I've loved before, it is a good story until now. Yesterday I went to my friends house to study. I can't believe I'm running out of time. After reading a lot of romance and seeing my friends so happy about their relationships it makes you want to have one too you know? Sadly I don't know anyone, I'm trying to get to know other people but I don't have anything. Maybe is just because I woke up and I want a hug. Sometimes I really love hugs and sometimes I really hate them.

16/09/2018

Dear diary:
You know how difficult it is to write everything again? I wrote 10 minutes ago half of this entry. I went to YouTube and when I returned to the blogger app (I'm writing this on my phone by the way) everything disappeared, except the title, that is useless.

Reminder of the day:
When you make your own blogger app put an autosaving feature it will be great. I'm not going to sell it or anything, it will be just for personal use. All the rights of copyright is a headache.

Anyway, telling you (again) about my life...
I feel so bad for not writing you for more than a week, I've been focusing on studying, reading and social relationships.

What about my notes you may ask?
This semester I have a new motivation. I want to get better than the nerds and show them I am actually intelligent. The problem is my general culture is really poor. I need to work on that with some movies or documentaries. I could even read more books. Nevertheless, first of all I need to focus on my french and science bac. This week I will kill it.
Lately, I've been loving finance. It is so weird. I aced my last exam so I am happy.

What about your social relationships?
My best friend, let's call her Dawn, recently got into a fight with two other friends just because she said: "I thought you weren't here anymore". Let me explain, she didn't see one of my friends in her dream so she thought it was going to be the same. In consequence a friend got offended and hello fight.

Books?
Didn't finish any book but they are beautiful. I need to read La Controverse de Valladoid.

Your mental state?
I've been dreaming a lot lol. My dream is that in the future the world will finally create a type of time machine. I mean this machine will only send back all of your thoughts through space. This way I would had become a genius lol and made way less mistakes. I should make a book of this take note future me. I would tell my own life with this new idea.
Well, my dog is going to have surgery today so I don't know how to feel. Yesterday I wanted to cry but not in front of my mother it makes me sick.

7/09/2018

Dear diary:

I missed you so much...
How about my notes? I have a 16.56... Well... I need to work harder. I want to be! The very best! That no one ever was~TU! RU! PA PAU!  To have good notes is my real quest :'v It only has begun~ :'v ok no lol.

I just began reading Agatha Christie... I'm already page 150. Tomorrow I have my japanese exam. To be honest I already lost my motivation for japanese. But I don't want to let down my mother. I need to keep up.
This week I read a lot of yaoi manwhas I feel so proud. I should use this motivation to study...

My friendship with the sisters is really bad now... I don't know what happened to them, they didn't even say hi... I feel disgusted at myself. Nevertheless I became the study partner of *insert future name*. If she gets good notes, maybe the girls at my class may start talking to me... Sometimes it gets lonely even if I am antisocial with them most of the time.

2/09/2018

Dear Diary:

Entry for yesterday: 1st of september... wow time flies....
Yesterday I wanted to have a productive day because I discovered how much homework they left us.... I need to study geography and do english research....
Today I have 3 exams on japanese I'm struggling to learn everything. There is a 12 year old girl who is really good at japanese, she studies a lot. Instead, I do not. I want to get better notes than her. At least on kanji and vocabulary.

Today's entry:
Well diary guess what... I got a shit grade (I still passed tho...). I know it doesn't count but I feel like shit. Yesterday I only studied for japanese, then, I fell asleep at 6 30 pm. Yesterday, in my class was a boy who I found good-looking and weird but he was way too tall and way too genius for me so my plan is to become friends with him to present him to my friend (lol). You know... I already forgot my last crush. I find him even a little ugly now. That was love damn. Hopefully I can finish all my homework today... I want to play or read something to relax myself also...
Update: Didn't do much progress today either... This was my day:
I woke up at 7 o'clock and wrote yesterday's events, then, I headed to my bedroom and installed a new game: Two Point Hospital. The game turned out better than I expected. I played until 11 am. Some time later I got a virus... damn russians.  I somehow managed to get rid of it.
Today I started and finished Autumns Journey who I thought it was an otome... but even the creator said it was more about friendship.. I'll do a review tomorrow. I'm tired