27/09/2018: Deppressive

Dear diary:

Why do I need to fuck it up? I want to come to you when I'm happy not when I'm sad I swear. Nothing is good right? I worry about you! You don't have to treat me like shit! Even tought I know you didn't like it... I DID SAY IT! I WANT YOU TO PROGRESS! WHY PEOPLE WITH DEPRESSION ARE SO DIFFICULT? WHY WHEN I'M WITH DEPRESSION NO ONE TAKES ME SERIOUSLY? I'M CRYING RIGHT NOW. I DON'T WANT TO BE SELFISH BUT I ALWAYS TALK ABOUT ME! ME! I DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET RID OF THIS HABIT... More persons start to treat me like this, I just have to swallow up what I have to say and laugh or get all the damage. I'm the punching bag. But this punching bag need to get patched up sometimes you know? MY DOG ALMOST DIED! You know why i didn't tell you anything? You know why I didn't tell you my true feelings? Because if I do you don't believe me! Never! You treat me like an idiot... I know I am I ACT like one to make you feel happy every single time. If you see me like this you don't know what to do... If other one sees me like this they just get worse and feel they should feel like that. How many times did I cry? Not as much as you. I TRY HARD to not explode. I opened thos diary to tell you everything to get better. Why is not working? Don't be like this. Your dog is dead, mine is alive I SHOULD BE HAPPY. YOU ARE INTELLIGENT EVEN IF YOU DON'T STUDY. YOU SHOULD BE HAPPY. You don't have everything like others I know. Some people have all the things you ever wanted. Some are changing. Why do people have to badmouth everyone? I DO IT. I WANTED TO DO IT JUST A SECOND AGO. I DESERVE IT RIGHT? I DESERVED BEING BORN AS AN UGLY BEAST THAT NO ONE LIKED. Everyone ignored. That everyone just didn't get close to. That innocent little ogre who was happy for the praise they gave her. The little tiny ogre who was way to timid to interfere in others happiness. That's why I learn how to be funny. I achieved my goal. Though sometimes people badmouth me. I have to keep quiet. The laughter is hurting me but you need to keep quiet. Why do words hurt people? I did it. They did it to me. I want to cut people on half. They their mouths out. Cut each finger out. I'm not a psycho. I'm not ab assassin. Those are juat thoughts. I make an effort. I had true friends. I cannot help them. Useless me. Poor me. You who don't even win money. You who can't be the one making happy someone. I had one. I fucked it up. It's just a fight right? Everything was just a dream right? My first experience having a true friend was incredible. Maybe I'm not cut for it? I exploded when I thought I lost you. I'm heteresexual though this type of love I never had it before. I just want you to talk to me. Who needs a relationship were you become obsessed with a man? Why I acted like that that one time? I'm so happy for you not envious. I was living a peaceful life though I noticed my choices were having consequences. Ugh. Why can't I stop talking? You were great before can someone help me? You acted like a friend? But... will you really become one? I don't what I say BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY SORRY. Someone? Can you hear me? I know you care about yourself. I should do it to. But, I love people way too much their happiness is my happiness. If you are suffering, I suffer too. I can't do it. I tell myself I'm selfish but I am not. I'm not. I care. That is my weakness. So many thoughts are happening. Why are you not excellent ar something? ....
Better now? You stopped crying... You poor thing you just need some love. If this helps you. I love you.